


I Never Thought I'd End Up Here. I'm Sorry

by Drunk_Lich



Series: Junshua [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self-Harm, Short One Shot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:55:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29633589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drunk_Lich/pseuds/Drunk_Lich
Summary: Jun left Joshua, and now Joshua leaves instead.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Series: Junshua [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177355
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	I Never Thought I'd End Up Here. I'm Sorry

Joshua held the paper bags closely, the faint scent of the familiar package giving him an embrace of a lover he once had.

His feet walked over the streets in a desperate attempt to run away and to go home. But… with  _ him _ gone, where even is his home?

He sighed in defeat. Stopping in front of his apartment door, he twisted the worn knob open, greeted by a dull and sticky scent. It’s been weeks since he’s ever cleaned, and probably months since he’s found the courage to do so.

He clutched the paper bag closer in an attempt to find one more push to do this. To live for a little bit longer.

“I… I miss you.” He whispered, staring at the sole photo frame in the living room. It was him and Jun of course, who else would it be?

It was a time when they were both still happy. A time where he held the world in his hands and the world held him back. A time when he was  _ alive. _

Joshua’s knees buckled. He misses Jun… so so _ damn much _ , it’s unbearable.

He closed his eyes. He can’t look at Jun’s eyes, or else he’d see nothing but…  _ indifference _ .

He continued his long journey to the looming kitchen. A place he once cherished but now he abhorred.

He hates how all the knives never fit his hands— because Jun always cut the meat and vegetables for him. He hates how high up the pans are; because Jun always got it for him. He hated this entire kitchen because it’s made for  _ Jun and Joshua _ and not Joshua alone.

Tears sided by his eyes again. He also hated how dusty his space has gotten. He hated how he let go of himself, too dirty to even be recognized. He hated how he can’t move on without hearing Jun’s encouragement.

Joshua grabbed a small pot, enough for one serving of noodles. Today, he’ll have a familiar meal, just to finally let it go.

Turning on the stove, he watched as the flames licked the bottom of the pot. He watched the water simmer, then bubble, then steam. 

Add the noodles, wait for it for a few minutes, drain the water… it was all exhausting one by one but he managed to finish one serving for himself.

“Should… I add…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He watched the dull glimmer of the kitchen knives but never attempting to get close.

He traced over the scars on his thighs and wrists, the fresh ones and the old ones.

“I… shouldn’t.”

Giving up on adding more flavor to his plain noodle, he sat down. 

He can’t even finish it, only eating two mouthfuls before throwing up on the table. He heaved and coughed, tears streaming down his eyes as the gastric juices mixed with the meal he just ate.

After a few minutes of coughing violently, he finally calmed. Clutching the glass of water with all his strength, he chugged it. Like how he wanted to chug all the meds he had. Like how he chugged sleeping pills every night just to not wake up from the nightmare of remembering Jun’s warmth.

Once the glass was set down, he let out a deep breath, “I’m… I’m full… are… are you proud?... Jun?”

No response. As usual.

He felt more tears build up in his peripheral, but he dared not to admit it. He watched the plate of food mixed with vomit turn blurry and wet.

“I… I can’t eat any… anymore.”

He pushed the plate away, looking away at the ruined meal. He soon stood up and set his way to his room. His final destination.

He opened the doorknob, listening to the ominous creak and smiling to himself. It was the last time he’ll hear that.

Raising his eyes just a bit, a rope and a stool were in the center of the room. He observed the positioning, just perfectly center and all.

Beyond the hoop of the rope he saw hope, he saw salvation. If he just stood up… if he climbed up the stool and looked beyond the rope, he’ll see a new world filled with hope.

So he did. He let the wooden stool carry his weight. He let his head peak over the other world. He let himself get stuck between the two worlds, seeing blue skies, black galaxies, and purple lilies. It was beautiful, because he did find a new world.

But his body was left to rot in the old world, hung lifelessly while he smiled in sweet delight.

He missed his lover… will his lover miss him?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, if you are in need of a person to talk to PLEASE do reach out. It's always hard to open up your deepest regrets, your fears, your emotions, but I swear it's better to overcome your struggles than give in to it. If you want, you can dm me in my twitter account @onlyfanskimlip. It's never too late to open your emotions, okay?


End file.
